myHIN Blog

June 17, 2013

Girl, They Be Tryin’ to Bring Us Down!

I filed for divorce in 2008. Two years later my world was turned upside down when the divorce was finalized. It’s not like I didn’t see this happening – I initiated the break up. However, so much of my identity was caught up in being a wife, a mother, a professor. I forgot how to be me!

While I experienced many dark and depressing days over the past few years as a single black woman, I also turned introspective and thought a lot about what I wanted to do with my life. One of the greatest lessons learned is that I am an intelligent, beautiful, successful Black woman who deserves to be loved.

Music by Black women really helped me to get my head right. I would sing along with Remy Ma’s Conceited: “You gotta have the mind state like ‘I’m so great’. Can’t nobody do it like you do. Miraculous. Phenomenal. Ain't nobody in here stopping you. Show no love cause you what's up. Look at ya self in the mirror like ‘What the f*ck!” (That was my theme song ya’ll.) I also put Missy Elliott’s Work It in heavy rotation: “If you a fly gal, get your nails done, get a pedicure, get your hair did.” And, there was the independent women that Destiny’s Child sang about: “The house I live in – I’ve bought it. The car I’m driving – I bought it. I depend on me.”

Yet, while I gained confidence in my physical appearance and could take care of myself financially, I yearned for a partner who would protect and care for me. I realize that this fundamental desire to be seen as beautiful and loved seemed to go against the dominant ideology of the Black women’s identity. Damn, I thought, why is it so hard for Black heterosexual women to be loved and protected by a man?

I believe that part of the reason is that everyone’s trying to define us, limit our dreams and expectations. Girl, they be tryin’ to bring us down. Patricia Hill Collins (1999, p.167) writes, "Called Matriarch, Emasculator, and Hot Momma. Sometimes Sister, Pretty Babe, Auntie, Mammy, and Girl. Called Unwed Mother, Welfare Recipient, and Inner City Consumer. The Black American Woman has had to admit that while nobody knew the troubles she saw, everybody, his brother and his dog, felt qualified to explain her, even to herself."

 These stereotypical images ascribed to Black women are often used to perpetuate the dominant group's ideology of Black women's inferiority. There’s a perception that Black women don’t deserve the pampered life. Society is used to seeing Black women as downtrodden, angry, domineering, ratchet, promiscuous, and fiercely independent. We are constructed as less attractive than women of other races and ethnicities. Rarely are we afforded the luxury of being feminine, protected, intelligent, and genuinely happy. We are dying unnecessarily because we take on everyone else’s problems and give our all to loved ones, while ignoring our own personal needs.

Our survival depends upon on our rejection of stereotypical images. When we refuse to accept others' definitions of our blackness and our femaleness, we break down the negative forces that challenge our successful and peaceful existence. We need our own self affirming definition of our identity as Black women.

How do we begin to redefine ourselves, and become healthier and happier? I offer a piece of advice.

We have to allow ourselves to be pampered and loved by dependable men who have demonstrated that they are worthy of our trust and loyalty. This “I don’t need a man!” attitude is killing us. There is no shame in asking for help and letting others take care of you sometimes. I can’t even explain how wonderful it feels to finally sit back and let someone else take the lead sometimes. It’s okay to depend on someone else to give you what you want (sorry Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle). However, in doing so, we must maintain our standards and expectations without becoming doormats to others in our lives.

Black women cannot carry everyone’s load. We need to set some healthy boundaries and demand reciprocity in our romantic relationships. We need to learn how to stop investing ourselves into men who do not respect us, show us appreciation, or take but never give in return. Black women should not settle for any partner who undermines her intelligence, trust, and personal accomplishments. Our partners should protect, provide and pamper us - not try to bring us down.

Ladies, create your own labels. Find your own beauty and confidence. Put yourself in places and situations where you will meet positive people. Never lose faith that the loving relationship that you deserve is within your grasp.